Episode 44: Merry Crapsmus to me (special Christmas post!)

Friday

Merry Crapsmus to me is what Ned is going to say when he opens the present I got him. This goes back to the early days of Ned's "journey," when I started making Netflix recommendations. This turned into regular conversations about things to watch, but here's the thing: Ned watches Netflix like he's trying to win.

You see, Netflix costs money. Therefore, in Ned's mind, it's already beating him because it's extracted his cash. In revenge, Ned scrolls through shows, testily dragging the progress bar ahead to the next interesting scene.

"I finished a two-hour movie in twenty minutes," he boasts to me in the lunchroom one day.

"But how do you know it's a good scene or not, if you've missed the other scenes?" I ask.

"It doesn't matter," he says. "I just look for the ones with action."

For Ned, all movies have become action movies. In this specific way, Ned is a true maximizer, fretting that someone out there is getting a better deal.

When I tell him to checkout Snowpiercer, I mention how strange it is, and that I still don't know what I think about it. What I don't expect is that Ned would watch the whole movie. He hates it, and spends the next several weeks complaining that I made him watch it. My protests to the contrary fall on red and angry ears.

He won't shut up about the film. He says things like "I'll never get that time back" and "How could they even make a movie like that?" Never mind that his counter suggestion is to watch another train-based film about cannibals, but with zombies. But, I digest.

So, for Christmas, I drop off a special gift for Ned. He thanks me for the present and feels it with his hands to see what it might be. To knock him off the scent, I tell him it's a DVD case full of Canadian Tire bucks.

"I'll open it on Christmas day," he says with a grin. "Is it something my whole family will like?"

"Absolutely!" I say.

Sorry, Ned's family, enjoy watching Snowpiercer on Blu-ray....