Episode 31: Ned has attuned his ablutions to coincide with his visits to Costco

Tuesday

Ned has attuned his ablutions to coincide with his visits to Costco. Let me explain. Some yogis learn to control their heart-rate and breathing. Some contortionists can turn their bodies into pretzel shapes. Ned has mastered the art of timely defecation.

He claims that it’s because the bathroom paper in the Costco bathrooms is particularly plush. But I know the truth: it saves him money. He’s driving there, anyway, because, well, Costco! So, why not avail oneself of free flushes as reward for the journey?

I am reminded of this as Ned passes my office on route to use the work washrooms, a considerable distance away. As he passes my doorway he says this: “You're really making me depressed today. Must be nice to be able to wear whatever shoes you like.”

I look down to see that he's wearing the one and only pair of runners that don't exacerbate his leg pain—runners he bought at Costco, of course. Clearly, his grumpiness is extra piquant today, as he's not able to have his satisfying Costco dump. 

I'm reminded, again, of all the joy I have stolen from him. The toilet paper at work feels like ancient mummy rags.