Episode 15: I’m now Ned’s dogsbody

Wednesday

I’m now Ned’s dogsbody, but he still rewards me with “gifts” (junk from his office) in order to keep the moral scales firmly in his favour. I get him small bags of chips in the afternoon, and help him carry stuff to his minivan. In exchange, I get a large rubber gecko that has a small calculator embedded in its back, and a bright red candle that has melted, for reasons still unknown, into a profane shape. I can’t complain, he reminds me, because I ruined his life. 

I was in his office and saw that his swollen foot looks like a potato. “It’s supposed to be above my heart,” he says. So, I suggest that we hang him from his feet for a while. Later, when I am back in my office, he messages me a blurb about how hanging upside down for too long could “cause a blood vessel to rupture or trigger a brain hemorrhage.” 

I’m clearly cursed. All of my suggestions seem to end in Ned’s continued suffering.